Are you in the "Drama Triangle"?

When I first heard about the Drama Triangle, developed by Dr Stephen Karpman, it really struck a chord with me and I had a big ‘aha’ moment.

Not only could I relate to being in each of the roles at times, but it helped explain the dynamics of relationships I saw around me.

It helped me understand why some people continued in relationships yet were miserable, why some friendships just drifted apart over time, and why some people targeted others to be in their community.

The drama triangle shows a type of interaction that can occur among people in conflict as a result of how we exercise our personal responsibility, power and motivation.

It demonstrates the destructive and shifting roles that people play unconsciously, or try to manipulate others to play, and includes a Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor.

Being in the drama triangle can indeed be dramatic, where it’s obvious, noticeable and observable in how it looks and feels.

But it can also play out in very subtle, unassuming or covert ways and may be hard to recognise.

We’ve all played a role in the drama triangle at times, most likely each role multiple times, whether we are consciously aware of it or not.

It can occur anywhere at any time; in our work or personal relationships, at the office or at home, or when out and about with family and friends.

How can you spot if you’re in the drama triangle?

You might have thought or heard others around you say:

I’ve got so much going on
It’s not my fault
If only you’d help more
Why do I have to do everything?
It’s your fault and now you’ll have to fix it

This may be a result of when you or others feel stress and pressure due to:

a conflict between the current situation and your expectations
someone doing something that you disagree with
circumstances changing
no longer having the same responsibilities
restrictions being placed on you

You may find yourself transferring your stress onto others, or others may transfer theirs to you, finding yourself in a conflict with others that you don’t know how to get out of.

“Drama does not just walk into your life.

Either you create it, invite it, or associate with it.” - Unknown

What are the characteristics of each role in the drama triangle?

So how do you know which role you’re playing in the drama triangle? See if any of these sound familiar.

The Victim

Thinks: “Poor me”, “It’s not fair”, “I can’t help it”, “It’s not my fault”, “I’m not okay, you are okay”.

Characteristics:

Feels powerless, victimised, helpless, unworthy and misunderstood
Seeks to convince themselves and others that they can’t do anything, that nothing can be done to help them, they’ve tried really hard but all attempts are futile
Constantly complaining and struggling with how the world has wronged them so they avoid taking responsibility, making decisions, solving problems, creating real change or acknowledging their true feelings
Feels persecuted by the world, situation or a person, and seek out a rescuer or a saviour to validate their feelings and save them
Fear based, short term focused, doesn’t see the big picture, and wants to take the easy way out

The Rescuer (hero/saviour/martyr)

Thinks: "Let me help you”, “Leave it to me”, “I’ll look after you”, "I’m okay and you’re only okay if you do what I say”.

Characteristics:

Needs to take care of others, feel important, be right, control the outcome, swoop in and save the day, help other people feel good about themselves while neglecting or not taking responsibility for meeting their own needs or issues
Will rescue the victim to a certain level and then convince them there is something else wrong to maintain their reason for existence (to save others)
Is frequently boosting up the victim or smoothing over the choppy waters of the persecutor
Is an enabler, fosters a system of dependency, endlessly solution oriented and people pleasing

The Persecutor (villain/bully)

Thinks: “It’s all your fault”, “It’s your problem and now you’ll have to fix it“, “I’m okay and you’re not okay”.

Characteristics:

Wants to feel superior and will criticize, blame, shame, intimidate, judge, manipulate, and control others
Will be domineering, rigid, authoritative, set strict limits, and have unrealistic expectations
Attacks and defends, keeps the victim feeling oppressed through threats and bullying, and doesn’t actually solve any problems or help anyone else solve the problem
Will not be flexible or vulnerable and fears the risk of being out of control or a victim themselves

All 3 positions hold each other in place as each role has it’s own benefit:

the Victim depends on a saviour and gets to be taken care of
the Rescuer craves for someone needy and gets to feel good for caretaking
the persecutor needs a fall guy and gets to continue feeling superior to both the victim and rescuer

The drama triangle may include people, places or events in the three roles and does not create a winner, productive outcome or personal growth. In fact, it creates the opposite because the characters are very reactionary, short-term focused, and thrive on ego, attention and adrenalin.

Being in the drama triangle can be addictive because people are acting out these roles to meet personal (often unconscious) needs, rather than seeing the bigger picture as a whole and taking responsibility for their part in keeping the triangle going.

For instance; A mother and her son are engaged in an argument and the mother threatens “Do your homework now, or else,” (persecutor).

The father arrives home from work and instantly comes to the son’s defence (rescuer), “Honey, he’s been working hard at school all day and deserves a break.”

At which time any one of many possibilities could follow.

Perhaps the mother (persecutor) is feeling victimised by the father and turns her anger on him, moving the father from rescuer to victim. They might then continue to do a few rounds in the triangle with the son on the sidelines.

Or, perhaps the son turns on the father and rescues the mother with “I don’t need your help Dad, mind your own business”.

Alternatively, the son may unite with his father in a persecutory “Let’s gang up on mum” approach.

And on it goes, with so many different deviations, as they move from one role in the triangle to another.

Virtually every fairy tale or movie will contain these 3 roles to create a dramatic storyline; the victim (underdog), hero (rescuer) and the villain (persecutor).

For instance in Cinderella , Cinderella plays the victim, the Fairy Godmother the rescuer and the wicked Stepmother the Persecutor.

What gives the drama triangle much of its power is that people will often find themselves in one or more roles, or even move between all three roles, without ever getting out of the triangle.

In movies, such as The Incredible Hulk, depending on the situation the Hulk can play the victim, villain or hero. Similarly in Fight Club, all three roles (victim, villain and hero) are all in one character and surface at different times.

How can you move out of the Drama Triangle?

Recognising and understanding each role in the drama triangle, and learning how to remove yourself from it, can help you:

move out of the drama triangle faster
build more productive personal, professional and social relationships
improve your health, wellbeing and success

It’s possible for anyone in the triangle to move out of it and this can often be the catalyst to help others shift out of a role and change their behaviour too:

Start with awareness - observe your own and others behaviour with curiosity rather than judgement. Become aware of the roles you play, or have been placed in, and if they trap you in the Drama Triangle. Acknowledging your behaviour requires vulnerability, accountability and patience, along with a willingness to admit you could be wrong.
Choose to change your actions and interactions – take responsibility, when you feel your immediate reaction rising, pause for a moment so that you can choose how you want to respond. Often the simplest method is the non-defensive response that takes the heat out of the situation. You can’t change others if they don’t want to. You are only responsible for what you think, decide and do, and similarly others are responsible for their own decisions and actions.
Recognise and celebrate your progress. - Identify how you are able to remove yourself from the drama triangle and the outcomes that result. By focusing on your progress, even small changes, helps to build greater confidence and momentum going forward.

It takes courage to remove yourself from the drama triangle, or step away from others who are trying to pull you into the drama triangle, which may have been in place for a long period of time, perhaps even a lifetime.

So next time you find yourself in the drama triangle, see how you can take accountability for your thoughts, words and actions to create more successful change, relationships and outcomes in your life.

It is possible to change … if you choose it.